Tears In My Eyes

Verse of the Day:
“…let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” – Matthew 5:16

This last month and a half has kicked me in the gut.  Period.  But the last week has really been the most daunting, yet beautiful.  Funny how that works out sometimes.   The week following Easter I am finding joy in all my sorrow.

For those of you closest to me you know I have been dealing with a personal battle, one that I won’t share… but now I am facing another physical battle.  I went to the cardiologist last week… these dang appointments… I should just stop going.  I have been saying it for years.  Haha! I went because I feel like crap again… well I mean my heart feels like someone is squeezing all the juice out of it every 10 it 15 minutes.  And then I am fine… and then it happens again…  This my dear friends is called a PVC, or my pacemaker is pacing my ventricle.  I only have one so it’s that one… LOL! Basically it feels awful and I want to rip the thing right out of my body, but I can’t because my atrium no longer beats at all without it… I mean at all… nothin’… GREAT!!

For years I have been living on the premise that if my ventricle was beating by itself, without needing any help from my pacemaker, then I was fine.  Freaking Wonder Woman good. You know I have a super hero complex;)… but if that was good, I was good.  And until January I was freaking awesome! March, however, came in like a lion… more like a Witch actually…  So not only is my atrium being paced 100% of the time and my ventricle is being paced lets say 25% of the time, my pacemaker is not functioning properly. (Insert many explicit words here) I want to puke! This piece of junk! I just had it replaced in Dec 2009… but now the leads aren’t functioning… those are the wires attached to my heart, btw.  (Oh Medtronics! You have been so good to me! (Sarcasm)) So they need to be replaced.  This means… Open Heart Surgery! Yahoo! *&^%! Ugh!

I can’t have open heart surgery just yet… my last one was Nov 2010 and there is no way my surgeon wants to open me up again right now.  The course of action the docs chose is drugs.  Beta blockers.  Every time I say beta blocker it makes me think of the Blue Blocker sun glasses for some reason and I want to bust out some ’80’s dance move… I don’t know why?! Anyway, the beta blocker and I are not friends. And I have tried all of them.  I even had some shipped over from Canada.  I hate them.  They make me puke, I have insomnia, and I generally feel like a slug on the ground.  I want someone to step on me… That is not healthy… here’s my catch 22.  Do I feel crappy from the meds or do I feel crappy from the pacemaker?  At this point I don’t know what to do.  I am so frustrated with it all… Ryan and I will probably make a trip to MN in the next few months and I am guessing I will have surgery in 6-8 months.  I am not living like this for that long… but, I am not the surgeon, so who knows…

Through all this strife I am surprisingly ok, mentally.  I have my moments.  I cried for about 45 minutes last night in my office.  I mostly want my energy back.  I want my physical strength back.  I use to walk 3 miles a day and pump out an hour on weights in the gym like I was working out with Arnold.  I hate feeling weak.  In my heart I am an athlete… in this body… I am a slug.  This is temporary though.  Right?!? I don’t know…  Hey I still do my push ups and my squats though!! Hahaha!! Just for you Big Mike! 😉

What I do know is that I still find happiness in the little things… I find peace in writing.  I find joy in helping others… in any way.  I love to laugh.  I love to make my friends and Ryan laugh! My spirit soars when the windows are down in the car and the radio is up. God is showing me that now is the time to move.  Get up and go Gena.  Even though I feel like a slug, move anyway.  Do things that make me happy… that I want to achieve… Because, I only get one life.  This one.  And I want to do something with it.  I want to share who I am, what I am learning… I want to leave a legacy of some kind.  I can’t do that if I just sit around and wait.  Every time I see my nephews and nieces I get a huge smile on my face because they are part of my future.  What they learn about me is what I will pass on… what I share, how I spoil them, the friendships we build… that’s what is important to me.

So if you see me and you ask me if I am ok… I am good.  I may have tears in my eyes but I am finding my way, my balance through all of this.  And I haven’t lost my joy… I think I am actually finding it again.