“How great are His signs, how mighty are His wonders! His kingdom is an eternal kingdom; His dominion endures from generation to generation.” ~ Daniel 4:3
Every time I write something on this blog I feel like I am in some sort of place of crisis or of learning. And when I thought about writing over the past year I felt as if everyone was tired of the same old song and dance. Woe is me. . . Now I am better! So I stopped writing. My life is a roller coaster. And I didn’t feel as though this blog was contributing to much more than
stroking my ego, licking my wounds, a place for me to hear nice things from people. Is that right. . .
Last week I suppose my doctor read my blog because she said I should start writing again. Funny!?! I didn’t even know she read my blog. My first response to her was, I am not writing because I am focusing on my book. It wasn’t untrue. I am doing that. And I just wasn’t writing my blog anymore. But the thing is, maybe now I have more to say. Maybe now is the time to start writing again in every way.
I could go into detail about my last stint in the hospital in February. Here comes the 150 foot drop on that roller coaster I was telling you about. It wasn’t a good stay. I will spare you the gory details but things did not go my way. Basically the gist of it all is that life kind of came to a screeching halt for a few weeks. I was having a very hard time getting myself together. I have always been able to put on a happy face, to smile through the pain. Not this time. I cried. Every. Day. At no point in my life until now can I say that I have hit bottom like that. And it was hard. But I knew it wasn’t right. I did not like feeling that way. The doctor kept asking me to take something for depression and for one reason or another I wouldn’t take it. One day it dawned on me that maybe I was depressed. . . What?!! Shut the front door! Wonder Woman does not get depressed, right?!
Well. . . yes, this Wonder Woman does. She just doesn’t freely admit it to herself, much less anyone else. However, I had a life I needed to live and my life isn’t ending in a month as far as I knew. And any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow, yes? Yes. We just pray that we don’t. Less often than not we are not aware of how precious our days are, but when you live in a broken body your tend to be a little more aware of those days. After realizing some of my daily habits could be contributing to the depression I was experiencing I made some adjustments. . . my first step was getting off all pain meds. We aren’t talking Tylenol or your average Vicodin, I am on super hero stuff here. Let me tell you, always a fun process. Detox is not for the weak, people. If you know anyone who has every detoxed for any reason, they are a bad ass (there is no polite word to use here). Whether they are on or off the wagon now. . . if you can do it once, you can do it again! (Off my tiny soap box now) My second step was Lent. This Lenten season I gave up watching TV during the day. The only time I was going to watch anything would be in the evening with Ryan. My days were being wasted, along with my brain cells, on the couch watching life pass by. I could no longer allow this to happen. It was something that God had put on my heart for a while. Watching TV is not a sin, that is not what I am saying. What was sinful was that I have been given about
9, 12, 15, 20 lives that I was clearly wasting because I didn’t “feel good enough” to get off the couch. Fact is there are 100 other things I can do that don’t require a lot of physical activity that still require brain power. It was time for me to get moving, so to speak. Finally, I needed to get my spiritual life in check. Here I am running around on this board at the church, and this leadership team, and that one, oh and don’t forget that I am in a class to become a Stephen’s Minister for the church. Awesome! I am a hot mess talking about God, yeah. What have I done for God lately, lets see. . . at that point I couldn’t tell you.
Lent started and with Lent the TV went off. I got up, started reading my Bible, journaling, praying, working with my husband at the office, cooking, etc. I was living a life I didn’t think I felt good enough to live. I was (and am) still in pain. Some days more than others. And I have been talking to a counselor. Talking helps. I hate it. Makes me sweat. And I only like to sweat in the gym. But I like crying everyday even less than I like sweating. So something had to give. Ryan is the crier in this family. Not me. hahaha. Love you babe! Seriously though, Faith is a powerful tool. Jesus is solid. I pray everyday that He will walk through this day with me. That He will take this pain and make it better. And you know what. It’s manageable. He is working for me daily. . . It’s cool. . . He’s free. 😉
Its like in the book of Daniel when Nebuchadnezzar throws the three prophets, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (say those names three times fast) into the burning furnace for refusing to bow down and worship his god. They are on fire, hot, hot fire and because they call out to the Lord and ask for His help, He saves them. And Nebuchadnezzar watches as a fourth man unties the bound men and they are Walking Around In The Fire (just to be clear, the Lord is the fourth man, who Nebuchadnezzar names). The king after seeing this calls the men out and from that moment forth ban anyone from every speaking poorly against the Lord again.
I was reminded of the story the other night when Ryan and I were watching the BIBLE series and its few inaccuracies on Sunday night on the History channel. They portrayed this story in such a way that I was moved to tears. Ok I was crying. But a happy cry. Because I am in my fire. And I am happier and more alive than I have been in a very long time. Does that mean that I am cured or perfect or life is going to be springing up roses everyday? No. It means that I have a new understanding of how deep my faith is, and how BIG my God is, how Faithful my Jesus is. He overcame the grave for me. He can figure out whatever the heck is ailing me, He can also make it better. And if He doesn’t it just means that somewhere I am supposed to learn something or that I am being used as a vessel to help others learn something.
So from time to time this blog will be woe is me. . . now I’m better! That is my life. I have a seriously bad heart defect. But I have a seriously awesome God and He is in charge, not some dumb defect. . . sometimes I just need a good swift kick in the. . . well you know where. . . 😉